


Please, I love you

by Ellareny



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Break Up, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 18:55:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17085824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellareny/pseuds/Ellareny
Summary: "I can't do this anymore."Those words, those words swarmed through Levi's head multiple times, he never understood what Eren meant and he never wanted to understand, but what if he can't keep wishing for his false hope?





	Please, I love you

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer, this story includes touchy subjects like: break ups, depression, self harm, self hatred, paranoia, hearing voices, suicide.  
> If you're sensitive to any of these, please read with caution.  
> Also I do not support the thoughts/action that is taken here, this is a mere work of fiction and it doesn't resemble me of how I see things in a moral way.  
> Characters are copyrighted by Hajime Isayama and are rightfully his.
> 
> Note 2: So I just fixed some spelling/grammar errors in this and made some things look clearer :)  
> (also currently somewhat under editing)

Sunday 18 March at 17:11   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

at 17:24   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

at 18:56   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

Monday 19 March at 09:34   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

at 09:48  
Eren please, can we talk?  
I get that you said you need time but please answer me

at 11:12   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

 

Levi was shaking, gripping his phone tightly and stared at the unread messages and declined calls. He looked nervously at the wine bottle next to him on the kitchen counter, that was waiting to be opened and gulped down, he tapped his fingers in a rhythmic manner on the couch’s arm, looking tempting towards the bottle. _Maybe one drink wouldn't be bad’_ he thought and walked towards the counter and opened the drawer that had the bottle opener. He took the lid off and took a large gulp. The wine felt refreshing but uncomfortably cold at the same time, sweet but bitter. It went smoothly down his throat but the aftertaste burned a bit in his throat.

  
It's been a few days since Eren left their apartment after saying that he "Can't do this anymore" and left with his suitcase. Levi didn't understand what he meant at all with it. _Maybe he just needs a break, some time to think about stuff. The stress of work can do a lot to as some as young as Eren, Yeah, it’s definitely’that_   he fondly smiled  _It has to be that'_  
After taking some shots, feeling that the wine didn’t really fulfill his need, he rested on the couch for some hours. He later stared at the time, 20:12 o’ clock he saw, his eyes widened and he thought about sending Eren another.  
_Is it too early though?’_ Levi kept staring at his locked phone, his arms crossed tightly against his body. The tight feeling from both his shrugged, closed off body and the after effect from the alcohol made him squirm of uncomfort but it felt like the best thing right now. It was at least better than being alone and for some reason also felling guilty.  
**After all, trash like you deserve such pain for hurting those you care about!**  
He shook his head in an unsteady manner, holding a firm grasp on his fore head with his hand. What am I saying? I didn’t hurt Eren, I’d never do anything to make him suffer in any manner, I love him, so much, for such a disgusting act like that’  
He took another can of beer from the fridge to get his mind of a stupid thing like that and decided he would try for the last time today to text Eren.

at 20:14  
Baby please!  
It’s fine if you don’t want to talk but at least say something to me, just say like ‘no’ maybe and I accept it

After a while of staring at the sent message and time on the phone repeatedly, having like the rest, the text not marked as seen yet.  
It’s fine, it’s fine. I’ll try tomorrow again, he would have then seen them and call me back by then’ Levi reassured himself and took the last small sip from his somewhat crushed can in his hand and threw it out.  
He wouldn’t think he’ll be able to sleep at all during the night so he tried to keep himself busy with cleaning, work and TV. He still kept his phone always next to him, in case Eren decided to reach out during the night like he used to before moving in with Levi during his times where he missed him or couldn’t sleep, or was drunk, sometimes in his attempts on trying to seduce Levi, which he enjoyed and always smirked seeing those late texts, he had felt giddy and joy with them but would never admit it in a billion years.  
Levi’s eyes burned and he had a small smile forming on his lips, remembering the memories of his beloved.  
After a while Levi passed out from the shear exhausting and the amount of alcohol.

The morning sun dreadfully shone right in his face like a flashlight and he groaned in annoyance of the light that managed to be too bright even with eyes fully shut. The realization kicked in and he rose from his sleeping position lighting fast and looked for his phone. He began to panic when he didn’t see it anywhere and scrambled around the room, knowing he had to have left it somewhere in here.  
The search came into a fast end though when he simply looked in front of the couch, there on the floor was his phone laying, he hastily snatched it and unlocked it in a rushing manner.  
No messages from Eren…

Levi sighed in disappointment and sadness falling back to the couch, rubbing his forehead, his head was throbbing hard and he had a headache. The alcohol was surely going back to him.  
The pain of his head, stiffness of his body and the loneliness hurt so much, he just wanted it to stop.  
Maybe a warm shower could work?’ Levi asked himself and started heading for the bathroom door. He stripped himself down and went into the shower, closing the see-through walls of it and began turning it on. Hot water was in a short second splashing on his face and body, it felt relaxing, he felt a bit better.

Wednesday 21 March at 14:26  
Hey babe, I wanted to give you some space so I didn’t contact you yesterday, I felt like you needed some time off to think and completely understand if you’re under stress, just call or text me later okay? I love you.

Levi stared down at his text, his eyes feeling heavy at the poor sleep he got from the days, it wasn’t uncommon that he had sleeping problems or insomnia but in this case just the mere thought of him taking a nap felt, wrong. He looked at messages he sent Eren, none were seen.  
He huffed air and clutched the bottle of whiskey in his hand.  
His body felt sore and his skin ached, he rubbed his forearms with one of his palms, the fingers brushing against the pale aching skin.

 

Thursday 22 March at 12:03   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

At 12:06  
Eren  
I’m really worried about you and haven’t heard anything at all from you or anyone, just say that you’re okay, please I don’t want think that something happened to you  
I love you baby

Levi felt like shit, it’s been over a week since Eren left and he couldn’t stand it. Of course there were times where they haven’t seen each other but after that they always knew that they’ll see each other again, happily hugging, cuddling and kissing, talking to one another and saying sweet nothings. But in this he didn’t know, he didn’t know if he’ll see Eren again and if, would it be like always or…  
NO STOP IT!!’ He screamed at himself in his thoughts Stop thinking shit like that, Eren will return and everything will go back to normal like always’ He tried to calm down, having to reassure that he just needs time I just have to be patient, it happens in relationships’ He had a smile of hope Yeah, It’s going to be fine, just some time and patience and he’ll be back in my arms, we’ll be okay’  
His eyes wetted at that thought.

Levi lost the count but he took quite a lot of shots to stop himself for thinking like it’s not going to be fine, he just knows it will, he knows.

The alcohol didn’t work, his head felt like it was getting crushed, his body was trembling and skin burning. No matter what he did, he couldn’t feel better or get distracted and doing nothing would just make him think of Eren and… it hurt to think of him right now.  
His eyes burned and began watering and forming tears, never in his entire life would he refuse to be or think of Eren, never he would want to feel to deny of wanting to think of his love.  
It hurt, it hurt so much he needed a distraction, something. His skin ached more and he began scratching it. It felt better, better than that feeling of hate he had for himself right now, he scratched his arms rapidly and was starting to get violent.  
His pale skin forming red and pink marks.  
It was not enough. It just wasn’t.  
He dug his nails now into it, peeling some off while some remaining small cuts, blood was slowly peeking out and flowing across his skin, leaving a wet, red trail behind.  
Levi breathed uncontrollably the ripped skin stun but was a good distraction of the rest. He managed to somewhat relax. He couldn’t give a shit right now how his arms looked or how red was staining the table  
And what was some ripped skin and blood compared to his loss?

Saturday 24 March at 19:26   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

at 19:27   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

At 19:29   
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

At 19:30  
I miss you so much, please

 

Sunday 25 March  
Levi felt like complete shit, had earlier puked in the toilet from the drinks, he couldn’t remember the last time he ate something, he hadn’t washed since that one time and he was tired endlessly but couldn’t force himself to fall asleep. Last night he barely could remember what he did except calling Eren a lot of times and being mostly in the bathroom with a bottle and his arms and lower legs being covered with red marks and dry blood. His face felt stiff and salty when he bit his lip and licked the dried lips. He thought if he cried maybe last night, he wasn’t really sure though, a lot of things just felt sweet, salty and bitter all at the same time.

Monday 26 March at 21:02  
You tried to call Eren<3 (declined)

The nails weren’t enough, they weren’t, and he was frustrated with that. He hated how his skin would start to heal and get better, something that he himself couldn’t get, it was unfair. So he took an empty bottle laying randomly on the hard wooden floor smashed it against the wall with the strength he had. The broken glass went flying everywhere and the shards landed on the floor in all different pieces and sizes. He took the first that seemed sharp enough and clung to it hard in his hand, his palm already getting cut from it.  
He messily stabbed it into his left forearm first and using it like a razor, the flesh was deeply beginning to drown in red and Levi shortly grinned with victory of his work. He took the shard into his left hand, the same cutting feeling in his palm like in the right. He stabbed into his right forearm too and did the same thing he did with his left one.  
After finishing his arms he smiled for a bit before remembering that his legs had the same triumph over him like his arms, he began doing the same thing too on his legs.

When Levi was finished he was exhausted but so relieved how it helped, he was for the first time glad that something less important was overtaking the pain he had for weeks, even if it was just for a while.

I this night, Levi had passed out on the floor, bloody and filled with pain of all kinds.

 

Tuesday 27 March  
When Levi managed to wake up from the floor, he was barely able to move and trying to was painful as hell, he was obviously not surprised but still didn’t want to lay on the floor. He pushed himself up and noticed some broken glass sticking in his face, he wouldn’t be surprised if some had cut his face a bit because moving it was anguish.  
He wasn’t sure why but thought that going to the bathroom was a thing to do and headed for the open door. His body wanted to do everything else than hold him up and walk but he didn’t care about it, why should he?  
Levi walked into the bathroom and decided to look into the mirror just because of curiosity of his face’s appearance. When he looked into the mirror, he was utterly disgusted at the sight.  
He felt completely weak and fell to the ground weeping tears, not because of the pain from the cuts and his unhealthiness with his body but because of Eren. What would Eren think if he had seen him in this state?  
 **Disgusted, disturbed, horrified, grossed out everything bad that can be said about you right now, that’s what he would think, someone as pathetic and worthless as you!**  
Levi shed more tears and struggled on the ground, he wasn’t breathing much and felt like being choked on his own lungs and movement “NO NO NO” He yelled and hit his head with his fists, he barely had energy for anything but put the strength he had into what was needed.  
NO WHAT!! You know exactly what I mean, you’re disgusting, not just in looks but as a person in general!  
“Stop” He sobbed, embracing himself, sniffling with, his throat was burning and he choked on his sobs.  
“Stop Stop” dear why did you think he left? Because you’re a piece of fucking garbage. You can’t even realize his pain, his hurt, selfish piece of trash you are, I can’t even tell if you even loved him  
“N-no” Levi whimpered “I l-love Ere-n I love him, I love him and only him, I n-never want to h-Hurt him”  
Too late for that you bitch, he’s gone!  
Levi whimpered and sobbed more, gripping his hair and pulled a fist of it, he didn’t manage to rip it out but wanted the pain to stop so badly “He-he’ll return, I know it, I know i-it” those words where so difficult to say.  
**How are you sure, he hasn’t responded or called once, neither heard from anyone about how he’s doing, even every single one of your messages have been ignored, how are you so sure he’s even alive?**  
“SHUT UP!!” Levi yelled at the top of his lungs “He’s not dead, he’s not dead, he’s not dead, he’s not dead, he’s not…” He kept repeating those words over and over again, trying to convince himself more than anything that was going on.  
**If he’s not dead then accept that he hates you, and the things you did to him, he would’ve been better if you never were in his life. But you just had the audacity to be selfish and ruin years of happiness for him!**  
Levi couldn’t take it, he hit his head repeatedly hard with his fists and banged it against the floor.

He eventually woke up on the cold bathroom floor, not sure of the date and time. He didn’t care about that, he just wanted to disappear.  
Whatever it was said, was right, he ruined Eren, he ruined his happiness, he hurt him, Eren hates him, Eren hates him, Eren hates him, Eren hates him...  
He deserved to be left, he deserved everything that was happening to him, he deserved to feel pain. It didn’t matter, it didn’t.  
But even then he still couldn’t help but love Eren, he loved him so much, he wanted him to be happy, he wanted THEM to work, but his selfishness just took away their chance.  
Levi knows how better off Eren had been if he never met Levi, he knows that Eren would be happier if Levi just disappeared. He kept sobbing of his beloved hating him and he hates himself for taking his love happiness away.  
Levi now understood what Eren meant when he said that he “Can’t do this anymore”, he understood and it just hurt the more he thought.

Friday 30 March  
The rest of the days, Levi barely moved spots, he, as pathetic and worthless as it was, occasionally checked his phone for anything that had to do with Eren, he didn’t care he just had to know how he was, but like always there was nothing. Levi wanted to cry, so bad but couldn’t his eyes burned and felt dry, only noises of weeping were able to come out.  
The worst and most painful aspect of today had to be that it was Eren’s 24th Birthday, he had thought about it a lot during the beginning of the month, year probably even, he thought about going to all types of places with him, planning all the activities, everything but it all went downhill into hell. He wants to still give him something, something, something that Eren would like or appreciate.  
Nothing came…  
Nothing except one thing…  
He tried getting up with his phone in his hand, his body acting against him for a while and responding appropriately with the exhaustion, hunger and cuts he had, but let himself take over, even for just a while, he had to do what he had to do, it didn’t matter how much his body was fighting against it or how much it protested to stop.

Friday 30 March at 08:14  
Eren  
I think I get what you said to me then, I think I know exactly what it meant. And you’re right, Eren, you’re right. I know exactly how garbage I am, you deserve so much better, everything I did to you to ever hurt you, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I love you, I really do but knowing how much better off you are without trash like me. I want to make it up for you birthday and tell you that you’re free. You don’t have to worry or think about me anymore, it is and never was needed. You are wonderful my Eren, I love you so much, I hope you can forgive me one day on how I hurt you, but you never have to, I want you to be happy. So I’m giving my final wishes to you for this last day.  
Happy 24th Birthday and  
Goodbye Eren, I love you.

He finished his last message to Eren and began to cry again, knowing this is the last of what he ever been able to do with him.  
Levi didn’t want to waste any more precious time and headed back into the bathroom. He opened the cupboard and took out the pills that he contemplating on using days ago but refused to because he was so stupidly sure that Eren would contact him again or anything.  
The bottle of the pills say that a large amount of pills and a weak body can knock someone unconscious and if not in proper function, even death.  
Levi took at least a handful or what his hand allowed him to carry and swallowed them down. His body felt it tremble and beginning to get weak and more tired. He fell to the ground one last time and smiled weakly before officially and forever closing his eyes.  
I’ll see you Eren, I love you so much’

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading this one-shot, I wanted to do it for a while and managed to finally ready it.  
> I f you have any questions, critique, concerns or anything to say please do I appreciate it really much and would like to hear feedback, since it's my first story on ao3.  
> Kudos are also mega appreciated (;33;)


End file.
